Being funny is serious business!
Part of what drives home our theme each year is our custom-written skits. My brother-in-law, Jared Burkholder, is our resident funny man, and therefore our skit chief. Each year when the Guidance Document is finished, three people receive it: the guest preacher, the decorations chief, and the skit chief.
Bro. Jared sits on the theme a couple weeks and creates a funny scenario that could fit all three skits. For our “Pure Love” theme, he created the character Willomena (played by my bearded brother in a blonde wig)–the woo-less woo-ee–who sought in vain for “Mr. Right” to come along and woo her. In skit #3, she settles for a less-than-best candidate. Other scenarios include Sgt. W. O. Manly for our “Gender Matters” theme, and “Camp Mighty Man” for our “Do Something” theme. The play on words with the “Timeless” theme led to a man dressed as Moses, smashing clocks.
Each scenario creates running gags that bring the humor, while still maintaining the point of the theme. Ultimately, the goal of the skits is humor. When the point comes across, that is an added bonus.
Our skit chief recruits his own actors and coordinates all his own practices, usually Wednesday or Sunday nights before or after church. He gathers his own props and schedules his own rehearsal times on the platform, working with the actors and actresses to prepare them to speak up, act extravagantly, and ham up the slapstick parts of the skits (slapstick humor still goes really well with teens).
Click on the titles below to read each of the skit scripts from past years:
2011 - Surrender
Theme: Surrender
Skit #1:
(One boy walks into the room and finds the other boy laying out a series of weapons on a table)
Scott: Hey, Todd! Whatcha doing?
Todd: Getting ready to go door knocking.
Scott: What?!
Todd: Door knocking! You know where ya go invite people to go to church with us.
Scott: I’m familiar with the idea, but I just usually take a Bible and some tracts
Todd: Oh, I’ve got that stuff too!
Scott: Then…what’s with the arsenal?
Todd: Well, Bro. Ryan’s been talking about surrender a lot lately and then today we’re having that Preaching Rally all about how people need to surrender to God.
Scott: Yeah, surrender to God-not to you.
Todd: I’m just His humble servant, that’s all!
Scott: So you’re gonna go out and get people to surrender to God?
Todd: and bring them to the Preaching Rally. Yep!
Scott: Using weapons?
Todd: sure thing!
Scott: That’s not what I got out of his lessons at all.
Todd: Well, you have to be pretty spiritual like me to understand the depth of what Bro. Ryan really means.
Scott: Well, you have been in the youth department longer then me… count me in!
Todd: That’s the spirit! Let’s go get some visitor’s for the Preaching Rally!
Scott: I know just who to start with! Let’s go find Damon-if there’s anyone who needs to surrender, it’s him!
Todd: You ready? (They both grab some weapons)
Scott: Ready!
(They both run off screaming “Surrender”)
Skit #2
(Scott and Todd are out looking for someone to take to the Preaching Rally-armed to the teeth)
Scott: We’ve been out here for an hour and we haven’t gotten close enough to
to anyone before they run away from us. Do you think we’re doing it wrong?
Todd: If anything, this proves we’re doing it right!
Scott: How’s that?
Todd: Bro. Ryan said that surrender wasn’t easy.
Scott: Well, He was right about that!
Todd: Don’t worry I’m sure we’ll find someone eventually.
Scott: I’m not even sure I know what to do if we do find someone.
Todd: Well, first things first! Bro. Ryan said that before someone can truly surrender their life to God they have to be saved!
Scott: What if they’re not saved?
Todd: We get ‘em saved!
Scott: Okay, and once we’ve done that?
Todd: Just like Bro. Ryan did for us, we explain to them that they need to surrender to God’s will.
Scott: Then what are the guns for again?
Todd: Just in case they need convincing!
Scott: Well, I’m convinced!
Todd: Isn’t that Damon over there?
Scott: Sure is, let me talk to him, I know him better. (Yells to Damon) Hey, Damon!
Damon: Hey guys. What’s going on? What’s with the weapons!
Scott: Are you going to the Surrender Preaching Rally today?
Damon: Ehh… I’m not sure. I was gonna see if some of my buddies wanted to hang out with me instead.
Scott: (turns to Todd) What was the first step again?
Todd: make sure he’s saved.
Scott: Oh yeah. (points weapon at Damon) If you died today, are you 100% sure you’d go to heaven? (Damon passes out and Scott looks at Todd) Now what?
Todd: Now, we take him to the rally. You get his hands! (they drag Damon off stage)
Skit #3
(Todd and Scott bring Damon (hands and feet tied; with a gag and blindfold) to Bro. Ryan)
Scott: Hey, Bro. Ryan!
Bro. Ryan: Hey…SCOTT! TODD! What in the world are you doing?
Todd: We’re just bringing a visitor to the Surrender Preaching Rally
Bro. Ryan: Why are his hands tied?
Scott: He passed out when we invited him and it was easier to drag him this way!
Bro. Ryan: Why are his feet bound?
Todd: When he woke up, he kept trying to run away.
Bro. Ryan: Why does he have a gag over his mouth?
Scott: He wouldn’t stop screaming long enough for us to explain the terms of Surrender to him.
Bro. Ryan: Why is he blindfolded?
Todd: Okay, we may have gotten a little carried away there!
Bro. Ryan: Guys, this isn’t what biblical surrender is at all. God doesn’t force anyone to do his will. He wants us to surrender-willingly!
Scott: Oh he was pretty willing after we showed him our weapons
Bro. Ryan: You can’t force someone to surrender. He wants us to willingly give ourselves to His will with no outside persuasions and no strings attached- just complete and unconditional surrender of your life.
Todd: But we we’re just trying to do what God wants-bringing people to church.
Bro. Ryan: Surrender is doing what God wants but doing it God’s way…without the weapons.
Scott: Does this mean we have to give back the guns?
Bro. Ryan: You can use the guns for hunting but not for door knocking, okay!
Scott: Okay.
Todd: Yes, sir!
Bro. Ryan: Now let’s go hear Bro. Samms preach about true surrender. (they all walk off leaving Damon still bound and gagged)
2012 - Choose to Abound - “A Preaching Rally Carol”
Skit #1
Narrator: Jacob Marley was dead to begin with. This must be understood if anything wonderful is to come of…wait…oh, sorry…wrong book. Ahh, here we go…Preaching Rally 2012. Yes (clears throat)…
It was February 17, 2012, the night before the Preaching Rally and Christian was having trouble deciding whether or not to go to the Preaching Rally the next day.
Christian: Man, I can’t decide whether or not to go to the Preaching Rally tomorrow.
Narrator: See, I told you.
Voice: You should go
Christian: Who said that?
Voice: You did.
Christian: I didn’t say that.
Voice: Yes you did. I’m you
Christian: What do you mean, you’re me?
Voice: I’m you from the future.
Christian: You don’t sound like me.
Voice: Yes, I do, this is just how other people hear you. You see, I sound different because you’re used to hearing your voice as it passes through the bone structure in your face and…you know what, just pay better attention in Biology next year.
Christian: Okay. Wait, so you came from the future to tell me to go to the Preaching Rally tomorrow? Why couldn’t you tell me something useful like: what the winning lottery numbers are?
Voice: One, we don’t gamble. Two, if we did Mom would kill us! I’m here because you obviously don’t know how important tomorrow’s Preaching Rally is to us.
Christian: What’s the big deal? I went last year. The Preaching was great and I got to see some friends but I lost the pen and note pad they gave me and the skits weren’t really that funny.
Voice: I hear they’re going to be much better this year.
Christian: Even if they are, why should I go? If you’ve been to one Preaching Rally you’ve been to them all.
Voice: You’ve been to only one Preaching Rally! You don’t know what you’re talking about.
Christian: So tell me then, why is it so important for me to go tomorrow?
Voice: I could tell you but it’s probably better for you to see for yourself.
Christian: What do you mean, “see for myself”?
Voice: (In ghostly tone) You will be visited by three spirits..
Christian: Why are you talking like that?
Voice: (still in ghostly tone) For effect
Christian: Well, stop it, it’s just weird.
Voice: Fine! Just answer the door.
Christian: What door?
KNOCK, KNOCK—
Christian: Come in. (Spirit of Preaching Rallies Past enters) Who are you?
SOPRPast: I’m the spirit of Preaching Rallies Past.
Christian: The spirit of Preaching Rallies Past? But there’s only been one other Preaching Rally.
SOPRPast: So it shouldn’t take too long then.
Christian: What shouldn’t take too long?
SOPRPast: I’m here to remind you of your past.
Chrisitan: So you’re gonna take me to last year’s Preaching Rally? I’m pretty sure I have the CD around here somewhere I could just listen to that.
SOPRPast: I don’t want to remind you of the Rally. I want to remind you of who you were before the rally.
(Teen walks in looking like typical worldly teen)
Christian: Who’s that?
SOPRPast: That’s you.
Christian: That doesn’t even look like me.
SOPRPast: That’s what you looked like on the inside. On the outside, you were religious and went to church most Sundays and seldom missed Youth Group on Wednesday nights. But inside you were miserable and lonely. Your friends had to practically drag you to the Rally.
Christian: But I got saved at the rally. My life was different…for a little while.
SOPRPast: Yes it was, but you slipped back into some of your old habits and spent most of last year wallowing in the trash of your old life instead of enjoying the abundant life that God wants to give to His children
Christian: I’m not nearly as bad as I was before I got saved. I’m a good kid now.
SOPRPast: God doesn’t want you to be good He wants you to be Godly.
Narrator: Christian woke up convicted about how he had been living his life. He tried to convince himself it was all a dream and vowed never to eat a double-double animal style so late again.
Skit #2
Narrator: Christian is having trouble sleeping. He’s thinking about his life this past year and still trying to decide if he wants to go to the Preaching Rally the next day.
Christian: I’m having trouble sleeping; I’m thinking about my life this past year; and I can’t decide if I want to go to the Preaching Rally tomorrow.
Narrator: Am I good or what?
KNOCK-KNOCK
Christian: Come in. (Spirit of Preaching Rallies Present enters) You again?
SOPRPresent: Hi, I’m the Spirit of Preaching rallies Present.
Christian: I thought you were the Spirit of Preaching Rallies Past.
SOPRPresent: Nope. We’re …uhh…twins. Yeah, that’s it, twins.
Christian: You look exactly the same.
SOPRPresent: Most people say I’m way better looking.
Christian: So I guess you’re here to show me why I should go to the Preaching Rally tomorrow.
SOPRPresent: Well, of course I am.
Christian: Well, if you’re going to show me what’s going on right now you might be wasting your time. I’m very aware of everything around me. I’m like a ninja that way. I’m not sure if there’s anything you can show me that I don’t already know about.
SOPRPresent: Well, just look over there then.
Christian: Who’s that?
SOPRPresent: You tell me, Mr. Ninja.
Christian: It looks like Bro. Ryan and Mrs. Jamie.
SOPRPResent: Your ninja powers are astounding.
Christian: What are they doing?
SOPRPresent: let’s see, it’s the night before the big Preaching Rally; it’s bed time and they’re on their knees. I’m gonna go with praying.
Christian: Bro. Ryan wears a suit to bed?
SOPRPresent: I guess.
Christian: What are they praying about?
SOPRPresent: Just listen.
Bro. Ryan: Lord, also be with Christian. He’s been struggling in his walk with you since you saved him last year. Help him not to be satisfied with being a baby Christian, give him the desire to grow. Help him to make the right choices to move beyond being just good and become more like you. I pray that he’d come to the Preaching Rally and hear the testimony of Ruth through the preaching and how she chose to follow you completely and the abundant life that you rewarded her with. Help Christian to see all that you have for him; that the Christian life can be so much more than what he’s experienced.
Christian: Why would he be so concerned for me?
SOPRPresent: Because he loves you and because when he was your age he decided that he wanted to be more than just a baby Christian. Every day he chooses to give himself fully to God and God gives him the abundant life that He has promised to all His children. He’s praying for you so that you can enjoy the same type of Christian life that he enjoys.
Christian: But what if I can’t do everything God wants me to do.
SOPRPresent: God knows that you can’t. That’s why He’s not only promised to bless you with an abundant life, but if you surrender to Him fully He’ll help you live the life He wants you to live.
Narrator: Christian woke up again even more convicted about the life he had been living. He also determined to cut out all sweets after 6 pm.
Skit #3
Narrator: Christian just couldn’t sleep. Thoughts of the past year and the events of the night kept flooding his mind. The worst thing was he still couldn’t decide if he would attend the Preaching Rally the next day.
Christian: I just can’t sleep. It’s like thoughts of the past year and the events of the night keep flooding my mind. I think the worst thing is I still can’t decide if I’m going to attend the Preaching Rally tomorrow.
Narrator: NAILED IT! I am the greatest narrator alive! Sorry, back to the story.
KNOCK, KNOCK (The Spirit of Preaching Rallies Future walks in)
Christian: You must be the Spirit of Preaching Rallies Future.
SOPRFuture: Yep, that’s right.
Christian: You look just like the other two.
SOPRFuture: We’re…uh…triplets?
Christian: The last one said they were twins.
SOPRFuture: Look, the department of Preaching Rally Spirits is understaffed and I’m pulling a triple shift. I’m tired and would really like to finish this shift and go home. Okay!?
Christian: Yeah, sure. Sorry.
SOPRFuture: Alright, Where were we?
Christian: You were going to show me future preaching rallies and finally convince me to go to the Preaching Rally tomorrow.
SOPRFUTURE: I’m going to show you a few things but that last part is entirely up to you.
Christian: Hey look, there are some of my friends from church.
Friend 1: Can you believe it’s time for the Preaching Rally again? This past year has just flown by.
Friend 2: But what a year it’s been. I’m so glad you invited me. I still can’t believe I almost didn’t go.
Friend 1: I know I really had to pull out all the stops to get you to come but it was worth it.
Friend 3: I can’t wait for this year’s Preaching Rally. I made the most important choice of my life last year.
Friend 2: You got saved last year too?
Friend 3: I was already saved, but I made a decision that was just as important. I chose to serve God with my life.
Friend 1: I made that same decision. It hasn’t been easy but I have to say. My life is so much better.
Friend 2: How is your life better?
Friend 1: In every way. I can’t even count the number of blessings that God has given me since I chose to obey Him. He’s blessed me with so much abundance.
Friend 3: Same here. I was always a “good kid” but last year I chose to be godly as well and things just got better.
Friend 2: So what, you started getting A’s in school and people would just give you money?
Friend 1: I wish! No, I still faced some of the same trials as before, it was just easier to face them knowing that my relationship with God was right. Plus, I managed to avoid getting caught up in some of my old habits that kept me from having a right relationship with God in the first place.
Friend 2: Well, now I’m even more excited about the Preaching Rally today.
Friend 1: Speaking of the Preaching Rally, has anyone heard from Christian lately?
Friend 2: Who’s Christian?
Friend 3: He used to come to Youth Group all the time. Until he chose not to come to last year’s Preaching Rally. After that he started missing church a lot. I’ve only seen him once or twice since last year.
Friend 2: I guess he’s made some bad decisions, huh?
Friend 1: Looks like it. That’s why it’s so important to choose to serve God everyday!
Christian: Alright, I’ve seen enough. Can we just skip to the part where you tell me I have to go to the Preaching Rally tomorrow?
SOPRFuture: You’re not very bright are you?
Christian: What?
SOPRFuture: Have you heard nothing? I can’t make the choice for you. You have to choose. Just like they did, just like Ruth did, just like everybody who has ever lived. No one can make you do anything. God won’t even make you. He wants you to choose.
Christian: (falls to his knees as SOPRF exits) God, I’m so sorry for the way I’ve been living my life. I know you saved me and I want to do more for you. I want my life to be more for you. I choose right now to follow you, to serve you with every day of life you give me. I want the blessings of the abundant life that you’ve promised. In Jesus’ name, Amen. (Stands to his feet) Man, I can’t wait for the Preaching Rally tomorrow. Oh no, I didn’t sign up to help in anyway. I’ll call Brother Ryan right now and see if there is anything I can do to help and tell him that I’m choosing the abundant life!
Narrator: Brother Ryan was thrilled to hear about the spiritual choices that Christian had made. He was sure there was still plenty of things to do that Christian could help with. He was also sure that it would have been nicer to hear it if it wasn’t 3:00 in the morning. He also wondered why instead of saying, “Goodbye”, Christian said, “God Bless us Everyone”
2013 - Timeless
Skit#1
(Opens with Teen 1 smashing things with a large rubber mallet as teen #2 enters)
T2: Whoa, Whoa! Dude, what are you doing?
T1: Duh! I’m smashing clocks with a large rubber mallet.
T2: I can see what you’re doing but WHY are you doing it?
T1: I’m getting ready for the Preaching Rally.
T2: How is smashing clocks getting you ready for the Preaching Rally?
T1: Dude…the theme…
T2: Ooooh. Timeless…yeah, I don’t think that’s what Bro. Ryan means.
T1: Sure it is. Think about it. What was the first preaching rally theme?
T2: Surrender…
T1: Yep, and do you remember that we turned this whole place into a battleship and
then had all of those other youth pastors come up to the platform and surrender
their youth groups to ours.
T2: Wait, is that what you think happened?
T1: It’s not what I think, it’s exactly what happened. And then last year was all about
choosing between good and healthy waters or bad waters and at the end he made
all of those youth pastors that didn’t surrender the year before drink
contaminated water and die.
T2: That’s not what happened at all!
T1: Sure it is, look it up.
T2: Where would I look that up?!
T1: So this year I figured that Bro. Ryan was finally tired of having to preach such
short messages (you know how he goes on and on in youth group) so he’s made
the theme “Timeless” so that everyone knows he can just keep going until he’s
ready to stop without time constraints. You know, timeless!
T2: Man, do you ever pay attention in youth group?
T1: I think it’s obvious that I do. I don’t just listen to the words he says, I search their
true meaning.
T2: Well, you’re terrible at it. Timeless doesn’t mean without time, it means focusing
on things that last forever. You know, not wasting time on things that are fleeting
and temporary but rather dedicating yourself to things that are godly and eternal.
T1: Are you sure?
T2: Positive! Why don’t we go talk to Bro. Ryan, he’ll help you understand.
T1: Alright, but I’ll have to meet you there. If I don’t get these clocks fixed my
parents are going to ground me forever!
T2: At least it will go with the theme of the Preaching Rally. Your punishment will be
timeless…
T1: That’s not helping!
Skit #2
Teen #2 waiting for friends—Teen #3 enters
T3: Hey, what ya doing?
T2: Oh, hey. I’m just waiting for (Teen 3). We are getting ready for the PR and he’s
been having a hard time grasping the concept of the theme.
T3: Yes, I heard about the clocks. How much trouble did he get in?
T2: Not much at first, but after his dad overslept two days in a row, he made him
work all weekend to earn enough money to buy him a new alarm clock.
T3: Ha, sounds like he still got off pretty easy.
T2: Probably, but he says he finally figured out what Bro. Ryan was talking about and
he wanted to show me.
T3: Some new top-secret, hidden meaning in his lessons?
T2: No, as a matter of fact, he said he just decided to take Bro. Ryan literally. No
hidden message to decipher.
(Teen 1 enters from off stage dressed like an Old Testament Character-picture Charlton Heston as Moses in the Ten Commandments)
T1: Hey guys, What do you think? (turns and models outfit)
T2: Did you grow a beard?!
T1: Do you like it? (runs hand over beard)
T3: What are you doing?
T1: I’m doing what Bro. Ryan said.
T2: I don’t remember Bro. Ryan saying to dress up like Methusaleh.
T3: I thought you were done looking for hidden meanings in the lessons?
T1: I am! This is exactly what Bro. Ryan said. He said, “Following the Word of God
makes us timeless.” So I’m doing exactly that.
T3: Dude…That’s not what he meant.
T1: That’s what he said.
T2: I’m not sure that even what he said.
T1: He said to do what the Bible says. This is how the Bible says they dressed.
T3: Yes, but he didn’t intend for us to dress in a robe and sandals.
T2: Yeah, he meant that since the Bible is timeless and it’s principles are always right
and true no matter the era, then following the principles will make us timeless
as well.
T1: Really? Oh, man!
T3: Sorry, man!
T1: Actually, I’m relieved, do you know how long it took me to tie up these sandals?
T2: Here, I’ll help you shave. (yanks off beard)
T1: Hey, what if that was real?
T3: Dude, you’re 14!
T1: I could grow a beard.
T2: You can’t grow a chia pet! C’mon, let’s get you into some normal clothes.
Skit #3
(Teen 1 at a desk on a phone)
T1: Yes, I’m looking at the price on google right now. (Teen 2 enters) So I can get all
of those pyrotechnics for just $200?
T2: What are you doing?!!
T1: (places hand over the phone) I’m ordering something for the PR. (into phone) So
what kind of deal can I get if I buy in bulk?
T2: What?! (grabs phone) He’ll have to call you back. (hangs up)
T1: Oh, man! Why did you do that? Now I’m going to lose the price they were offering
T2: Why would you order pyrotechnics for the PR?
T1: I’ve been doing some research. I wanted to know what other groups have been
doing to attract teens.
T2: And that lead you to order fireworks?
T1: Don’t get ahead of me. I found this group first (hands a flyer to T2)
T2: Battle Zone, huh?
T1: (laughs) I know, right? I guess it’s supposed to be a play on the battle between
the flesh and the spirit. But it just looks like they surrendered a long time ago.
T2: A mosh pit in their youth room?
T1: Yes, I thought about telling Bro. Ryan about that one but it turns out that it’s a
insurance nightmare.
T2: Yeah, who’d have thought sticking a bunch of uncoordinated, gangly teens in a
small area would lead to injuries?
T1: Apparently not them.
T2: What’s this one?
T1: Oh, that’s the group that meets in an old movie theater.
T2: It’s tagline says, “Don’t get stuck listening to some boring preacher!”
T1: They did away with the preaching, instead they watch movies and then break
into small groups and discuss the biblical applications of what they just watched.
T2: This one says they are watching a horror movie marathon. What biblical
application could they get from that?
T1: Beats me. I hate scary movies. Here, check out this one.
T2: Whoa, (turns it over quickly). Why does that one have a picture of a woman
in a hula skirt?
T1: That’s their Pastor.
T2: What?!
T1: I know, I do NOT want to see Bro. Ryan in a grass skirt!
T2: Why do you even have this one?
T1: They seem to think teens can’t really understand the KJV or the old hymns. So
they use the Message Bible and sing praise songs. It even lists the lyrics to one of
their songs.
T2: It’s called, “Jesus, I Love You.” But it just says repeat 12 times. And I think this
Bible verse is supposed to be Romans 6:23
T1: “For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus
Christ our Lord”
T2: Almost but not really, “Work hard for sin your whole life and your pension is
death. But God’s gift is real life, delivered by Jesus, our Master.”
T1: What’s a pension again?
T2: I don’t know. So how did all of this lead to you trying to buy fireworks?
T1: Well, I just wanted to find a way to make this PR timeless. I figured the best way
is to make sure that no one forgets it. What would be more memorable than fire-
works shooting off right at the end.
T2: It would be hard to forget, but mostly because you’d burn down the building.
Besides, that’s not what it means to be timeless. It’s not just being remembered,
it’s being worth remembering. The Bible is so much more than flashy gimmicks.
T1: I know but I wanted to really make my mark on the PR.
T2: Being timeless is about ignoring trends and fads that don’t last. It’s not making
your mark, it’s about allowing the Bible to make its mark on you and change the
way you live on a permanent basis. Trends come and go but God says His word
is “forever settled in heaven”.
T1: I wish I would have understood that before I gave them my parents credit card.
T2: Well, I’ve got to get to the PR
T1: I’ll come with you.
T2: After you tell your parents what you did, you may be grounded until next year’s
PR.
T1: Fortunately for me, they’re helping in the kitchen today. I’ll just have to wait
until afterwards to tell them. I’d hate to spoil their good day. I’ll tell them tonight
T2: Good luck with that!
2014 - Pure Love - The WOO Trilogy (Adapted for use at the 2014 Preaching Rally)
Skit #1 The Art of Woo
Scene: Father and Son standing at stage left. Table with pitcher of water and two glasses and two chairs, center stage.
Son: Dear father, wouldst thou teach unto me the ways of wooing and capturing a fair
young maiden’s heart?
Dad: My son, I wouldst love to teach unto thee the family secret of the art of woo. It is
A great gift given to all the men in our family. My father’s father gave it to him
My father gave it also unto me, and now herewith I shall teach it unto thee.
Son: Oh thanketh you father ever so much. I knoweth I shall please thee well and shalt
Uphold the family name with great honor.
Dad: The first thing of which thou must surely know, is that women doth loveth it when
Thou givest unto them a compliment.
Son: What doth thou mean by the word “compliment”?
Dad: You must speak unto them about their beauty. (Maid approaches) Aah, yonder
Cometh your first chance. Woo her, son, make thy father proud.
Son: Oh precious fair maiden, shall I compare thy beauty unto a rose. For your nose
Looketh like a thorn protruding from the stem.
(maiden gasps, and throws the glass of water in his face and storms off)
Dad: Of what wast thou thinking? When ye give unto a maiden a compliment, thou art
Supposed to be nice. Not say unto her that her nose doth stick out. My son, I fear
That thou must learn many more things before thou canst learn the art of woo.
Son: Please father I beseech thee, give unto me another chance.
Dad: Very well my son. But thou shouldest be more cautious when thou dealeth with
Young maidens. Now ladies loveth it when thou dost compliment their eyes. Tell
Her that thou dost wish that thou couldest stare into them all of the day.
(maiden approaches) Here is another maid, try thou hard not to blow it this time.
Son: Oh beautiful maiden. I think that thou dost have lovely eyes.
Maid: Why thank thee kind sir.
Son: If I could but pluck them out of your head, I couldest surely carry them with me
And stare into them all of the day.
(Maid gasps, throws a glass of water in his face and storms out.)
Dad: Thou art surely moronic my son. Why didst thou say thus unto her. Maidens do
Not like when thou sayest such things. Thou shouldest forget all together of ever
Learning the art of Woo.
Son: Father, I have failed thee. But such a thing shall not happen again, I sweareth it.
Givest thou me yet another chance.
Dad: Well, thou art my boy. And I do remember failing at my first attempts at the art
Of woo. Very well, I shall give unto thee another chance. (enter maid) Here
Cometh a young maid, say unto her that thou dost like her name.
Son: Hello beautiful maid, What is thy name?
Maid: My name is Dawn.
Son: What a beautiful name. It reminds me of the early morning sunrise when birds
Began their songs, and fly about looking for a slimy, slithery worm, so that they
Might eat it and then feed it unto their young.
(Maid gasps, throws glass of water in his face and storms off)
Dad: Surely thou art daft son. Why didst thou tell her such a disgusting thing? Thou
Shouldest never compare a lady’s name unto such things. I do surely see that the
Art of woo skippeth a generation.
Son: Oh father, I knoweth that I have brought you great disappointment. I will try even
Harder if thou wouldest but give unto me one last chance.
Dad: Very well my son (enter maid) Here cometh your last chance now. Say unto her
These exact words: “ Your voice is as soft as a trickling stream and is a pleasant
Sound unto my ears.”
(Enter ‘Willomena’ Make her as ugly as possible and have her talk in a really annoying voice)
Willomena: Hi, my name is Willomena.
(Son turns to father)
Son: Father, what shall I do? Her nose is huge, her eyes are blind, her name is
Atrocious and her voice grates upon my every nerve like that of fingernails
Upon a chalk board.
Dad: Ask her from whence she cometh and compliment her youth department.
Son: Oh Beaut…uh fair… oh maiden, from whence cometh thou and which be thy
Youth department?
Willomena: Who me, I’m from Lighthouse in Moreno Valley.
Son: Moreno Valley?!?! (son throws glass of water in his own face and storms off)
The End
Skit #2 – Willomeena the Woo-less Woo-ee’s Wooing Woes
(Scene opens with Willomena sitting on a bench sobbing into her hands. Willomena’s mother enters to see her daughter crying and intercedes)
Mother: My dearest, Willomena, why do you cry so, my radiant rainbow dropping?
Willomena: (Beginning to wail) I’M NOT PRETTY!!!
Mother: Whoever told you such a thing, my darling?
Willomena: Literally everybody, Mother!
Mother: That’s just utter nonsense, sweetheart. Why you’re as pretty as a honey-baked
ham.
Willomena: You’re my mom, you’re supposed to say that!
Mother: I am your mother, but I’m saying it because it’s true. Any man would be lucky to
have you.
Willomena: That’s just it, Mother, no one will have me. Even when we partner up for projects
at school I get picked last. Just yesterday Jason chose Francine over me for the Frog dissection project in science.
Mother: Well, who is this Francine, Honey?
Willomena: The Frog…
Mother: Now, Now, my little sewer rose, I think you are a beautiful young lady inside and out. I’m just going to give you a little advice on how to be wooed and you will have boys lining up to spend time with you.
Willomena: (trying to stifle sobs) Do you think so? (sniff, sniff)
Mother: Of course I do. Now the first rule of being wooed is to make good eye contact. He won’t know you’re there if he can’t see you. You want the boys to lose themselves in those beautiful blu…uhhh…gre…hmmm, what color are your eyes?
Willomena: The doctor said, “Puce” before he threw up in his waste basket.
Mother: Ahh, yes, “puce”. Now sit here and when a young man comes by, make eye contact with him and he will be swept off his feet.
(willomena sits down and waits, As a young man enters she catches his eye and intensely stares him down until he runs off the stage)
Willomena: See…they all run off.
Mother: My sweet swamp flower, you have the right idea but your methods need a little refinement. Let’s try again and this time…blink.
Willomena: Blink?!
Mother: Yes, bat those beautiful eyelashes at him.
(Willomena sits down and waits. As a young man enters she begins to blink furiously. He takes notice.)
Young man: Oh! Wow! (pulls out phone) Hello, 911? yes there is a young lady here and I think she’s having a seizure. Yeah, you’d better hurry, she looks really bad.
Willowmena: I’m not having a seizure (she chases him off stage and returns) See mother, I’m hopeless.
Mother: You are not hopeless my gorgeous little road apple. God has the perfect man out there for you. You just have to pray and trust that God will bring the right man to you. (mom walks off the stage as willomena sits and begins to pray)
Willomena: (hands folded) Please, please, please
(just then a young man comes in with sunglasses and a walking cane–obviously blind. Willomena sees him approach and looks up to heaven)
Willomena: I’ll take it!! ( she grabs his arm and drags him backwards off stage)
Skit #3 – The Final Wooing
S: Father, it hath been a long time since thou didst begin to teach unto me the art of woo.
F: Yes my dear Son, I have taught thee well, only I fear that thou hast not learned as well as I have taught it unto thee.
S: I know, father, that in many ways I have been as a great disappointment unto thee. But in the art of woo I shall yet make of thee proud even if it killeth me.
F: Very well my son, perhaps the time again approacheth, in the which we shouldest surely introduce thee unto a fair maiden.
S: Oh father, to know such a one as though speakest, couldest surely incite my heart to beat out of turn.
F: Ahh, Here cometh a young fair maid now. As she approacheth, invite her to have some tea with thee.
S: Uh … Fair Maiden wouldest thou consider me worthy enough to have a cup of tea with thee?
F: Verily Smooth, my Son.
FM: “Why I would surely be delighted sir.
S: Art thou kidding me?
FM: Nay. But I would surely love to sit at tea with thee.
(They both sit at the table. She waits for him to pull out her chair, he doesn’t and just sits down. She waits a little longer then gives up)
S: This is wonderful, my heart barely beateth. I am so glad . But thou wilt have to pay for I am broketh.
FM: Thou art broketh? Thou canst not ask a young maid to tea and then Expect her to pay. Thou art a creep. (Throws water in his face).
F: My son, my son, thou art altogether an imbecile. Thou shouldest always pay. Here taketh this. Now ask this young maiden to tea and for heaven’s sake, pulleth out her chair for her!
S: uh … young maiden wouldest thou join me for a spot of tea. I would surely pay.
YM: yes kind sir, I wouldest surely enjoy that. (he pulls out her chair and doesn’t push it back in. she falls. He laughs. She throws water)
S: Father, what now have I done wrong. Did I not do exactly as thou didst command me to.
F: my poor, ignorant, foolish, stupid boy. Once thou has pulled a young maiden’s chair out, thou must also return it thither lest she fall and become angry with thee.
S: Now I seeth the error of my ways, as thou hast showed them unto me. Worry not father, I shall succeed
F: See that thou errest no longer my son, I fear thou art running out of maids.
S: I promise to make thee proud.
F: Whatevereth
S: Young Fair Maiden wouldest thou please give unto me the honor of thy presence at yon table for some tea.
(She nods, and they both sit and take a drink.)
YFM: Kind Sir, I am truly having the besteth time.
S: Oh for joy fair young maiden, I am as well.
YFM: I suppose now that we shall soon be married.(Son does a spit-take)
S: MARRIED!!?
YFM: Verily, we shall be wed at a small private ceremony of only our closest 600 friends and move to a beautiful home and have at least 10 kids and 5 dogs and 20 cats, oh I just loveth cats, don’t you. and of course you’ll have to get some extra jobs, so that we can afford a big enough house for us. Things will be tough at first., but it shouldn’t be too bad especially when my mother moves in.
S: Your MOTHER??? (throws glass of water in her face) Nevermind, I’m a bachelor to the rapture! (He storms off)
2015 - Gender Matters
Skit #1 – The Difference Between Guys and Girls
Notes: Two girls walking in and talking to one another. No real props needed maybe a cell phone in hand or a hair brush. Once girls walk off guys will follow on stage walking side by side texting or playing game on cell phone, both barely recognizing the other is there.
Girl 1: Did you get your hair cut?
Girl 2: Yes, do you like it?
Girl 1: Like it?! I love it. You look gorgeous. I love that look on you. I wanted to get my hair cut like
that but my face is way too round. I have to frame it with bangs so unless I get a face transplant,
I guess I’m stuck with this look.
Girl 2: Your face isn’t round, besides I know plenty of girls that would kill to have those cheek bones. I
only get my hair cut like this to hide my long giraffe neck.
Girl 1: Well I would love to have your slender neck. I’m just a round face sitting on square shoulders.
Girl 2: Are you kidding?! You have a beautiful neck. Especially when you wear your hair back with those
ribbons—It makes you look as cute as a button.
Girl 1: AWWW…You’re so sweet. I love you
Girls hug and in unison say
Girls 1+2: “Best Friends Forever”
Girls walk off stage and boys walk on
Guy 1: Did you get your hair cut?
Guy 2: Yep
Guy 1: cool.
Guys continue walking.
Skit #2 – The Man Class
Notes: Scene opens with a group of boys sitting in a classroom waiting for the instructor doing typical boy things (i.e. throwing paper back and forth and sleeping.
Boy 1: (throws paper at sleeping boy) Hey, wake up. The class will start in a couple of minutes. Do you
want to miss the whole thing?
Boy 2: Do you want to be dead? (throws paper back)
Boy 1: No—don’t you want to learn how to be a man? This is the man class.
Boy 3: I don’t need this class. Siri will tell me all I need to know (speaks into phone) Siri, What does it
mean to be a man? (voice cracks on last word)
Boy 1: What did she say?
Boy 3: Nothing-it’s just a picture…Who’s Chuck Norris?
Boy 2: You guys are hopeless. I’m going to the library so I can sleep in peace and quiet.
(Boy gets up and walks to do where he bumps into the instructor)
Sgt. Manly: Where do you think you’re going little boy (boy 2 retreats to his seat and instructor puts
up a white board with “SGT. MANLY” written on it.)
Good morning, class. My name is Sargent Manly. I am here to instruct you in what it means
to be a man. Now would anyone like to tell me what they think it means to be a man?
Boy 1: I think I have this covered, Captain. In fact, I don’t think I need this class. I’m sure you’ve
noticed my sweet mustache. See that, I’m all man!
- M: (Leans in to examine mustache-Yells) Boy, you will address me as SGT. Manly, and I’ve seen
a better mustache on my 85 year old grandmother. Let me help you (grabs imaginary hair and
yanks it off). There now you’re clean shaven. (Boy sits down) Anybody else think they know
what it means to be a man?
Boy 3: I know, I’ll just google it (pulls out phone—Sgt. Manly grabs phone inducing a very girlie scream)
S.M: No phone is smart enough to tell you how to be a man (throws phone to the ground and stomps)
(Boy 3 faints and in walks boy 4 wearing a long wig.)
Boy4: Sorry I’m late, teach. I got lost (laughs)
S.M: Son, what is wrong with your hair? Don’t you know this is a man’s class!
Boy4: Don’t worry dude, I’m growing it long to be strong-you know, like Samson.
S.M: (grabs scissors) Well, I’m going to cut it off like Delilah!
(Boy screams and runs out with Sgt Manly on his trail-all boys chase after them)
Skit #3 – The Ladies Class
Notes: Scene opens with a group of girls sitting in a classroom waiting for the instructor doing typical girl things i.e. brushing hair, texting etc. Principal walks in.
Principal: Good Morning, ladies.
Girls: (in unison without looking up) Good morning, Principal Wilson.
Principal: Yes, well, I’m afraid the usual Ladies Class teacher, Ms. Lady, is out sick
today. So we are having a substitute teach the class. The teacher should be
along any minute so be good young ladies and sit tight while I go check to
see where the substitute could be. (principal exits).
Girl 1: I don’t know why we need a substitute. They should ask me to teach the
class. I know practically everything about being a lady.
Girl 2: Yes but if you’re the teacher, who will be teacher’s pet?
Girl 3: I don’t know why we need this class. Girls just automatically know how to
be a lady. It’s called “women’s institution”.
Girl 2: It’s “Women’s Intuition” and that is not what that means at all!
Girl 1: Shh…I hear the teacher. (in walks Sgt. Manly)
S.M: Good Morning, Ladies. My name is Sgt. Walter Odysseus Manly (puts up
white board with “SGT. W.O. Manly” written on it) I’m here to instruct you
on how to be a lady!
Girl 2: Sgt. WO-Manly, what would you know about being a lady?
- M: You will address me as Sgt. Manly and I know plenty about being a lady.
My mother was a lady and I have 5 sisters who are all the most ladiest
bunch of ladies who ever ladied. Now does anyone want to tell me what
they think it means to be a lady?
Girl 3: I know, I’ll look it up on Wiki-pedia. (starts using phone-Sgt. Manly reaches
for the phone but the girl pulls it back and in a deep voice says)
DON’T TOUCH MY PHONE! (Sgt Manly jumps back)
Girl 1: (brushing her hair this whole time) Ha!
S.M: What are you doing to your hair?!
Girl 1: Um… Brushing it, duh!
S.M: You call that brushing?! The only way you’re going to untangle that rat’s nest
is with long even strokes-North to South-Now Brush, Brush, Brush! (Girl 1
stiffens into proper posture and brushes hair in time).
Girl 2: Sgt. Manly? We’re sorry! I think we got off on the wrong foot. Are we going
to pick up where Ms. Lady left off?
S.M: Absolutely, everything will be done exactly as though Ms. Lady were here.
Now, what were you supposed to do today?
Girl 2: Ms. Lady was teaching us about makeup and was going to let us give her a
makeover today.
S.M: Wait…what?
Girls in Unison: Makeover (screams)
S.M: uhh…Class dismissed. (runs out of room followed by the girls)
2016 - Do Something
Skit #1
(Boy comes into room and sits at table and chair)
Voice Over: Hello, campers and welcome to Camp Mighty Man. The first thing we want you to do is write a letter home to let Mom and Dad know you’ve made it safely.
Boy #1:
Dearest Daddy and Darling Mommy,
I have arrived safely at camp mighty man. The trip was not too long but it did give me enough time to read in the Bible about David and his mighty men. The three captains of all David’s mighty men were pretty special. Their names were Adino, Eleazer and Shammah (three boys come in at each name-Adino holding a spear, Eleazer holding a sword and Shammah holding a bowl and spoon).
Adino was the captain of the three and the Bible says he slew 800 men at one time.. (Adino steps forward quickly counts the invisible enemy in front of him -looking more fearful as he goes). By himself (turns to other two and they are hiding). I’m not sure how he did it but he must have been very brave. (Adino holds one hand over his eyes and begins stabbing at the air with his spear).
The next guy was Eleazer (eleazer stands up) Eleazer fought so long and hard against the Philistines that his sword became part of his hand (tries to dislodge sword from his hand). When he was done fighting, he couldn’t let go of it. I guess that would be alright if you were trying to open mail or something, But it’s not really helpful if you’re playing sports or trying to give a high-five (turns to give one of the other guys a high-five and almost stabs him).
The third guy was Shammah (Shammah stands-obviously enjoying his food). I’m not sure what lentils are but Shammah really liked them. He liked them so much that when the Phlilstines came and tried to take his land where he grew all the lentils he fought all of them even when everyone else ran away. (Shammah tosses bowl over shoulder and pulls out his sword, There’s no way I would do that unless “lentils” is an old testament word for oreo cookies.
Well that’s all the time I have. Tomorrow I’ll read about Benaiah who killed a Lion in a pit on a snowy day (benaiah comes off stage fighting a stuffed cat).. He also fought two guys that looked like lions I’m guessing he fought them because one of them pushed him into the pit with the real lion.
I can’t wait to see how they’re going to make us Mighty Men.
Your loving son,
Francis
Skit #2
(one boy enters and lays down on the floor to do a push-up)
Boy 1: (Starts Push-up-struggling) One- (other boys enter the room) hundred.(jumps up and stretches a bit) whew! good work out. I’m feeling Mighty already
Boy 2: Is that why your parents sent you to Camp Mighty Man? To be Manlier?
Boy 1: It was either this or math camp but since nobody uses math when they’re grown up I chose this place.
Boy 2: My parents sent me here because they think I get scared too easily.
Boy 3: Boo! (boy 2 screams and jumps into boy 1’s arms)
Boy 1: Well, your parents weren’t wrong.
Boy 3: My parents sent me here because they think I’m “lazy and apathetic”.
Boy 2: What does apathetic mean?
Boy 3: I don’t know, I’ve never cared enough to bother looking it up.
Boy 1: Well, I plan on becoming a really mighty man! I’m gonna get so many muscles (flexes).
Boy 2: I don’t want to get too many muscles, Big muscly guys are scary.
Boy 3: I don’t think either one of you are in any danger of having too many muscles.
Boy 2: Whew (wipes brow) that’s a relief.
Boy 1: What do YOU think we’re gonna learn here?
Boy 3 I don’t know, mighty man-stuff-I guess.
Boy 1: Like how to rip a phonebook in half (grabs phonebook-can’t rip it- grabs a smaller portion-still can’t rip it. grabs one page, rips it but yelps and says-) OUCH! paper cut.
Boy 2: Oh I don’t like the sight of blood.(turns away)
Boy 3: You guys are such wimps!
Boy 1: I’m not a wimp! (pushes boy 3 who pushes back and they begin wrestling on the ground)
Boy 2: I was afraid something like this would happen.
Voice: Attention campers: Lunch is now being served in the dining hall.
Boy 1: Race you to lunch
Boy 3: Whatever. (they race off)
Boy 2: Wait, guys. Don’t leave me here by myself! (goes after them)
Skit #3
(three boys enter together)
Boy 1: Man that was a good lunch. I’ve never had to kill and cook my own food before, I can feel the manliness flowing through me.(flexes)
Boy 3: You stabbed a hotdog with a fork and held it over a candle. It was already cooked!
Boy 2: Can’t you two just get along? The tension is frightening.
Boy 3: Whatever man, I’m more manly than you too combined.
Boy 1: No way! I’m the most manly look how many burpees I can do.
Boy 3: I’m too manly to do burpees. Look how many marshmallows I can stuff in my mouth.
Boy 2: Both of those things look so dangerous.
(Bro. Ryan walks in)
Bro. Ryan: Whoa, fellas! What’s going on here?
Boy 2: Oh, Thank goodness you’re here. These two were fighting over who was the mightiest man at Camp Mighty Man. I was afraid it was going to spiral out of control.
Boy 1: You’re afraid of everything. I’m not afraid to do anything-that’s how mighty I am!
Boy 3: I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do. I just don’t care! That’s why I am the mightiest man!
Bro. Ryan: Guys, Being a mighty man isn’t about all the things you do or not being afraid to do them. It’s not about how much or how little you care. Being a truly mighty man is all about doing things because you love God. The most important aspect of being a mighty man isn’t what you can do or how well you can do it. It’s about why you do it. You do it because you want to genuinely serve God and others. Do you understand?
Boys1,2,3: Yes, sir!
Bro. Ryan: Good, now hurry up. Tonight we’re going to camp out by the lake. (bro. Ryan leaves)
Boy 2: Bro. Ryan is right you guys.
Boy 3: Whatever. It’s easy for him to talk about being manly. Did you see that beard?
Boy 1: We should grow beards too. Then we’ll be manly!
Boy 3: I can grow one faster than you.
Boy 1: No way! I’ve started already. (tenses up his face trying to grow hair)
Boy 2: Oh here we go again. (runs off after Bro. Ryan) I’m going to get Bro. Ryan.
Boy1: Good idea, I’ll show him my stubble.
Boy 3: I’m going to have a full beard when we catch up to him.
Boys exit.